Miracles

This is going to be short, but I've been thinking about something that I just want to get down.  It revolves around the story of the Feeding of the 5000.

Short tangent: I gave my daughter a new Bible Story Book for Easter.  On the cover is a cartoony Noah and the Ark.  Why?  This is not a kid's story.  The feeding of the 5000 would be better.  What a great empowering story for kids.  And about food, who doesn't like food?
Tangent over.

So there is a miracle in the Feeding story, but I don't think it is about how Jesus made more bread out of just a little bit.  I think the miracle is that Jesus changed people's hearts, so that they shared what they had hidden away.

When we read it as Jesus made the bread we don't put ourselves in the story.  It is just a nice thing Jesus did  Ok, God cares about our needs.  But!  If the miracle is about changed hearts, we are right there!  I can start to imagine myself surrounded by hungry people knowing I have something to share.  The great miracle that my heart can be changed becomes real.

 I could use some change of heart.  I can relate to this miracle.  I don't always want it, but that is why it is a change of heart done by God and not me.

Powerful story.

I Shouldn't Read Facebook

Why do I do things that I know will upset me?  Why do I read the comments of anything on facebook?

Why oh why.

I know I partly do it because 1) I want to know what people are thinking. 2) It is a safe thing to get mad at.

But it is no longer safe.

I am letting it get to me in an unhealthy way.  It is starting to make me question who I am and what I believe.  Partly because I have not spent enough time doing the work to make my own faith structure strong enough, at least not recently. So I get really disheartened and angry and just want to throw in the towel.  Don't call me a Christian, I'm not one of those people.

But I am a Christian.

I do believe that Jesus is more than a nice guy. I do believe there is salvation through Christ.  Really, I do.

So maybe I should be reclaiming instead of hiding.

And I do know when I do talk about what I believe with someone and how it affects my life, it does matter and it does start to change perspective.

Sometimes it can be hard to be either the only liberal in the room of Christians or the only Christian in the room of liberals.

But let's get real, I am so lucky because I live in a place that this doesn't happen all that much.  I have lots of pretty rad liberal Christian friends.  Who are some of the most thoughtful, intelligent people I know.

So really what I need to do is have lunch with some friends, read the Bible or some good theology books and stay away from comment sections for a while.

Thanks, blog for helping work that out.  :)

Life After Death

I have no idea if there is life after death.  Sometimes I want to say yes, but other times that just seems like wishful thinking. I wonder if my true hang up is that the concept of infinity freaks me out.  When I think about what infinity is it makes me uneasy and uncertain and blows my mind in sometimes an uncomfortable way and sometimes in an awe inspiring way.

The awe moments come when I'm on the "this afterlife thing makes no sense but I will embrace it because surely my little brain can't comprehend it all" moments.

As interesting as that all is, I'm not really thinking about that kind of life after death tonight. I'm thinking about regular boring life and exciting life and hard life and well, life after someone dies.

Life after death.

We keep living.

I had to look up how long it had been since two friends died.  Eight years.  Eight years of me living, of the community we belong to still gathering.  Eight years of missed conversations.

Since it has been eight years it seems like something I shouldn't think about very much.  And I don't. But I do, and I still hurt.  Not in the raw way anymore.  Just in the scabby way.  Just in the way that I wish instead of my little girl having Dinah as a middle name she would be able to play with Dinah's little one, that never existed, but may have if there was time.

There is life after death.

And a scar.

Benefit of a uniform

Sometime ago I wrote about pastors wearing robes.  After a conversation with a pastor friend and some thought I don't want to take back what I said, but I would like to amend it.  What we don't see when a pastor wears a robe is his/her personal style of dress.  We see tradition.  We don't see if she is stylish or if he is a hipster pastor.  We don't get into conversations about if what is worn is "appropriate".  That being said, people will still talk about such things, but it is more limited - make-up or not, hair style, facial hair.

Annoys me that this seems to be more of an issue for women.  Barbara Walters interviewed Secretary Hillary Clinton and asks her about lipstick.  Really!  You have one of the most powerful people in the world sitting in front of you and you ask about lipstick.  That is shameful.  It seems we don't know what to do with women.  Should they be like men?  Should we just care about them as potential sexual partners?  (That is what the lipstick question boils down to.)

While we try to figure ourselves out, I get why women pastors might choose to wear a robe.  It also gives them more authority and power which is strangely ok in this circumstance.  Men, you have the power.  You don't need the robe.  Or maybe you do, so I don't judge you by your manner of dress.

Undecided.

I have a few thoughts circulating in my mind, so I'm going to put them down.  This post might fall in the BS category of this blog.

Either do it or don't.  I've been thinking about how thinking about an idea is fine and all, but really the doing is what matters.  So, I've been working on taking more risks, even small ones.  One of my maybe small maybe big things I want to try is to open a "Toy Library" for other parents/kids to check out toys. I'm thinking of running out of our garage.  Many steps between thought and reality, but the old fridge is getting picked up on Tuesday so that is a good start.

Be more interesting.  I waste a lot of time reading stuff online that doesn't do me any good and just makes me angry.  So, instead of just surviving and wasting time I want to DO things.  I want to have more of those kind of days that you look back and think wow, I did a lot today.   Even if it is simple stuff like I made pretzels first time or clean up a closet or write a blog post at least I'm doing and not just existing.

This house is too big.  We need to downsize.  Meanwhile lets use it all for great things like hosting people and making things and opening toy libraries.  Currently our garage holds bikes and boxes - empty boxes, and an old fridge, surely this space could be put to better use.  We need to downsize our stuff before our stuff owns us.

That's enough for now.

Heaven is for Real

I regret reading the book Heaven is for Real.  The positive thing I can say about it is that it only took about four hours to read, so I didn't waste too much time.

I started reading the book with a very open mind.  I wanted to lay back into something soft and warm and hopeful and just embrace the simple reality of it all.  So I read it and allowed myself to be moved by the story.  I've had two miscarriages, so the part of the story about the woman's unborn daughter being in heaven gave me a moment of hope and peace and a few tears.

But then I slept, and when I woke up in the morning all I could think was how I had been had.  I let this story enter me, and it is obviously a load of crap.  I felt like I let my guard down, my intellectual guard, and I had been taken for a ride.

My issue with the story is that I've been around 3 and 4 year olds, and they have wonderful imaginations.  The father said again and again that they didn't want to lead him in any direction or prompt him.  He said he believed what he had to say because his son answered so quickly and without hesitation.  I don't buy it.  Any question is prompting, especially since they kept asking and got excited about what he said.  He was simply fulfilling their wish.  Did he believe it?  The line between fantasy and reality at that age is so thin he probably did believe it.  He probably didn't even know where he collected all those bits of information.  Also, the kid is really into super heros, so it is no wonder that his trip to heaven included a battle with swords.  That is what he likes to pretend.

It is amazing that all those little bits, all those details are so accurate with a literal view of the bible.  The parents underestimate his ability to glene information from around him.  There are so many reasons not to take the book of Revelation as literal. It limits the breathe and depth of the message, but that seems like it should be addressed in a different post.

Some of his details are just wrong.  Jesus was Middle Eastern, not white.  The holes would not have been in his hand but his wrist.  So if he had actually seen Jesus, those details would have been correct.  But the information he gathered in his little mind didn't have accurate information, so neither did his "vision".

Did the kid experience something? Maybe.  He was near death, never dead.  At least we never know if he was actually dead, the family never checks with the doctor.  He may have experienced an intense feeling of being surrounded by God.  We will never know.  Accurate information from a four year old is hard to get, and now it has been drilled into him as reality for so long it is his reality, memory, accurate or not.

So I regret reading this book because I gave money to an idea, a belief system, that I believe is harmful. I also felt taken for a ride.

Barely, Passionately Christian

That is how I describe myself.

Barely - I reject much of what "mainstream" and conservative Christian believe. When people say Christian, I often don't have myself in mind.  I even stumble over using the word at times because of the images and ideas that are associated with it.

Here are a few examples: I reject hell.  Well, I think hell is real.  Many people live in hell everyday.  I believe those people have hope, so I guess that isn't true hell.  But if they don't know there is hope or at least can't imagine it, then it is hell.  The hell I reject is some sort of place of torment in the afterlife.  The afterlife is also something that I have questions about.  Not sure if I reject it, but I'm very skeptical about it.

Was Mary a virgin? I don't know and frankly that's between her and Joseph.  Why is the church so hung up on sex anyway?  I really don't want to hear about your sex life or lack there of.

The bible is an interesting book.  I think we misuse it.  Just because God said something to David doesn't mean it is also for me.  We can start to understand the nature of God through these stories, but we also need to loosen up a little.  Sometimes they are just good stories and certainly written by the winning side.  Also, if it doesn't ring true or make sense in "real life", then maybe we aren't understanding what it is talking about and need to set it aside for now.

So, here is what I do believe.  I'm very passionate about these things.

We are all created in the image of God in our own unique and wonderful way.  We are gifted and are called to use our gifts to bring about the Kingdom of God.  The Kingdom of God is when the idea of Love manifest is realized whether it is in the sharing of a meal or the helping of a friend or stranger when we experience true love and acceptance that is the Kingdom breaking in.  Each of us has the capacity to create that.  Jesus showed us the way.  Jesus even showed us that hope doesn't die with death. I don't really understand that last part, but I believe it.

There is more to be passionate about, but that is the basic.  And well, my computer battery is going to die and it certainly doesn't have an afterlife.