I felt incredibly anxious yesterday. All day I just couldn't feel calm, unless I was busy. Bus rides were terrible. I felt like I couldn't hold still and just needed to get off. It wasn't a mystery why I was feeling this way. And I knew I just needed to feel all the emotions pulsating through my body and not try to mask them or run from them.
I have been thinking a lot about my friend Dinah who died 2.5 years ago. I have also been doing a job search. Plus, I've been involved in a Life Passion search class. Yesterday, thoughts about all three of these were bubbling at the surface with seemingly no way to calm my anxiety surrounding each. I don't want to make a decision about a job. I'm ticked off at my friend for dying, yes, still. And writing down AND sharing what I want my life to look like makes me feel exposed, naked, and lets my inner critic have a field day.
This was the state I was in when a friend called and asked if I wanted to meet her for worship. Maybe I said. Maybe I want to worship a God I may or not believe in. Maybe I want to spend time in a place of contemplation when I can't figure out how to feel. But if I've learned anything in the 2.5 years since Dinah and Shawn died, it is always better to face things head on.
I sat there listening to the sermon on hearing Christ's voice among all the other voices we hear everyday. I started to relax. When I took communion and was reminded once again how this faith I have isn't about the nice things in life. I believe in a God that gets dirty, a God that doesn't mask pain but embraces it and uses it. Easter is pointless without Good Friday. It was in no way God's will for my friends to die. But the cross reminds us that God embraces the suffering and can use it to bring new life.
So in the community around communion and in the community of sharing in past experiences later over drinks, last night was one more chance to feel healing. One more chance to remind myself that yes, it is through the cross I view life. One more chance to be healed by future hope shared with a friend.
This was an extremely personal blog post for me. I'm a little shocked by it, but it felt good to write. The theology may not be perfect, but it is an honest reflection.