Thursday, December 18, 2008

Careful what I ask for

Something has been on my mind and it isn't a good something. It isn't important what it is, but it has occupied too much of my thoughts lately. It has brought out a pretty dark side. After being tormented by my own negative thoughts for about a week to the point that I was dreaming about it, I thought "Hey, maybe this is something I should pray about."
Before I go any further, I want to say that I see prayer more as a meditative process that connects us to the "life source" of the Universe which I call God. So, I start thinking about this problem and am meditating on coming to a solution and letting go when I stop. I realize what I'm doing is very dangerous. God could change me. That was what I had been praying for and that was what I thought I wanted until I realized that it could really happen.
God promises to change us. Promises to make me into the whole complete person I was created to be. But I don't want it. I like my sin. I didn't want to be changed. I didn't want to hand over my problem to God. I wanted to be angry a little longer. I wanted to feel righteous indignation. I wanted to complain and find fault and pretend I was the better person. I didn't want to let go. Its like wanting the last word in an argument. I wasn't ready to walk away from my feelings. I just wasn't quit done yet. I kinda disgust myself thinking about it.
I really do want to want for God to change me, but sometimes it is just too scary. Maybe before I pray about the problem that set me down this path, I should begin by praying to accept whatever will happen.
I really do hope I'm able to let go of this negativity soon.

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