So that's where I put it.

 I remembered I have a blog in the dusty corner of the internet. I read through some of my past posts. I cringed some. I still believe some of those thoughts. I noticed the typos and a couple misspellings that also made me cringe. I hate some of the titles I chose. I sound more pious than I feel in some of them. I'm probably more pious than I will admit, sometimes. I'm resisting the urge to go back and edit, clarify, and correct. I'm letting them stay just how they are like a journal capturing my thoughts in that moment. Even if it feels embarrassing, and I don't really want to share it with new people. So to the void I write once again, not knowing who will read this, if anyone. Or why anyone would read this. But it might be a good practice for me as I continue to unpack what I think about life, God, humanity, myself. I doubt I figure anything out, but it seems like I keep trying.  

Good Friday - Why We Stand

Tonight I didn't go to my regular church.  I went to the one I like to visit infrequently.  It was nice to be a little unknown tonight, feel like I wasn't being watched and just blend in.

There was the extended reading with Jesus in the Garden thru to his death.  Several voices read the parts and in the beginning we sat and listened as the dialogue  jumped around the room.  The final scene, the end of Jesus' life, we were asked to stand.

It felt powerful to stand there.  I was standing with Jesus as he died.  I was being a witness to this event.  I was claiming my desire to live a life of Peace and not back down.

It felt humbling to stand there.  I was standing with Jesus as he died.  I knew that I have rejected him. That sometimes Love is too much to handle.  That I want it my way.  I want things to happen with power that comes from being right, from making moves, from violence.

Oh, that last one is hard to admit.  If I am truly honest, I do want violence.  I just want someone else to do it.  I want to turn away and let it happen.  I want to pretend it isn't happening.  Because if I don't pretend, I either have to admit I want it.  Or I have to stand up and say, without violence, stop.  And I don't even know how.  And I'm not willing to die.

Tonight, standing and listening I knew my place.  And it wasn't on the Cross.

It is beside the Cross saying remember me.
And Jesus says, of course.

The Giver

This weekend I read The Giver by Lois Lowry.  Here is a link to it at Barnes and Noble.
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/giver-lois-lowry/1100295882?ean=9780544336261

So many thoughts have been swirling in my head from this book.  I won't be able to talk about them all, but I do want to talk about one(ish).

The scene when Jonas first experienced snow and a hill reminded me of this verse from the prophet Isaiah:

Isaiah 40:4New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) 

Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain.   

There is was.  No more hills.  It was all even.  Sameness was the word used in the book.  Sameness of people, dwellings, experiences, the land.  All the same.  

It seems this book was written in response to something.  At least at an intellectual level.  Perhaps playing with ideas, seeing where "sameness" might go.  It was written shortly after the Cold War, so some reaction to communism could be part of it.  It also reminds me of other stories from the 1990s such as Pleasantville and The Truman Show.  Both were artificial communities and not dissimilar from the community in The Giver.  

As Christians we strive to live in Community.  God calls us into Community.  The world of The Giver is called community, and the valleys had been lifted and the mountains had been made low.  

Despite this there is something very wrong feeling about the community in the book. There is no strong emotion.

Revelation 21:4-5

⁴he will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away.”

They achieved this.  

But they also got rid of Love.

That's the difference.  And it is BIG!

The community we find with and in God, in and with Jesus, is grounded first and always in Love.  Because God IS Love.  

Are we co-creators with God?  Do we use our hands to do God's work in the world?  For the second one I would most definitely say YES.  That is what we are called to do.

We are called into community, but our community is formed in the Love of Christ shared and proclaimed in with and under, in a declaration of Grace, together at the communion table.  (Oh, I am so Lutheran.)  It is from that place of renewal, again and again. we are called and sent to proclaim good news to the captives.  (Just as it is declared to us because I am certainly captive to Sin.)

That is what is different between the Community in The Giver, and the Community of Christ is pulling us into - The Kingdom of God.  It matters where you start.  It changes where you end up.

Ok, that seemed a little "Sunday school" to me, but it really was a genuine thought I needed to work through.  Using a utopian society is a common theme in many stories.  Sometimes they break down, but other times they remain "lifted up".  I needed to think through what makes something a utopia and what makes something Kingdom.  

Miracles

This is going to be short, but I've been thinking about something that I just want to get down.  It revolves around the story of the Feeding of the 5000.

Short tangent: I gave my daughter a new Bible Story Book for Easter.  On the cover is a cartoony Noah and the Ark.  Why?  This is not a kid's story.  The feeding of the 5000 would be better.  What a great empowering story for kids.  And about food, who doesn't like food?
Tangent over.

So there is a miracle in the Feeding story, but I don't think it is about how Jesus made more bread out of just a little bit.  I think the miracle is that Jesus changed people's hearts, so that they shared what they had hidden away.

When we read it as Jesus made the bread we don't put ourselves in the story.  It is just a nice thing Jesus did  Ok, God cares about our needs.  But!  If the miracle is about changed hearts, we are right there!  I can start to imagine myself surrounded by hungry people knowing I have something to share.  The great miracle that my heart can be changed becomes real.

 I could use some change of heart.  I can relate to this miracle.  I don't always want it, but that is why it is a change of heart done by God and not me.

Powerful story.

I Shouldn't Read Facebook

Why do I do things that I know will upset me?  Why do I read the comments of anything on facebook?

Why oh why.

I know I partly do it because 1) I want to know what people are thinking. 2) It is a safe thing to get mad at.

But it is no longer safe.

I am letting it get to me in an unhealthy way.  It is starting to make me question who I am and what I believe.  Partly because I have not spent enough time doing the work to make my own faith structure strong enough, at least not recently. So I get really disheartened and angry and just want to throw in the towel.  Don't call me a Christian, I'm not one of those people.

But I am a Christian.

I do believe that Jesus is more than a nice guy. I do believe there is salvation through Christ.  Really, I do.

So maybe I should be reclaiming instead of hiding.

And I do know when I do talk about what I believe with someone and how it affects my life, it does matter and it does start to change perspective.

Sometimes it can be hard to be either the only liberal in the room of Christians or the only Christian in the room of liberals.

But let's get real, I am so lucky because I live in a place that this doesn't happen all that much.  I have lots of pretty rad liberal Christian friends.  Who are some of the most thoughtful, intelligent people I know.

So really what I need to do is have lunch with some friends, read the Bible or some good theology books and stay away from comment sections for a while.

Thanks, blog for helping work that out.  :)

Life After Death

I have no idea if there is life after death.  Sometimes I want to say yes, but other times that just seems like wishful thinking. I wonder if my true hang up is that the concept of infinity freaks me out.  When I think about what infinity is it makes me uneasy and uncertain and blows my mind in sometimes an uncomfortable way and sometimes in an awe inspiring way.

The awe moments come when I'm on the "this afterlife thing makes no sense but I will embrace it because surely my little brain can't comprehend it all" moments.

As interesting as that all is, I'm not really thinking about that kind of life after death tonight. I'm thinking about regular boring life and exciting life and hard life and well, life after someone dies.

Life after death.

We keep living.

I had to look up how long it had been since two friends died.  Eight years.  Eight years of me living, of the community we belong to still gathering.  Eight years of missed conversations.

Since it has been eight years it seems like something I shouldn't think about very much.  And I don't. But I do, and I still hurt.  Not in the raw way anymore.  Just in the scabby way.  Just in the way that I wish instead of my little girl having Dinah as a middle name she would be able to play with Dinah's little one, that never existed, but may have if there was time.

There is life after death.

And a scar.

Benefit of a uniform

Sometime ago I wrote about pastors wearing robes.  After a conversation with a pastor friend and some thought I don't want to take back what I said, but I would like to amend it.  What we don't see when a pastor wears a robe is his/her personal style of dress.  We see tradition.  We don't see if she is stylish or if he is a hipster pastor.  We don't get into conversations about if what is worn is "appropriate".  That being said, people will still talk about such things, but it is more limited - make-up or not, hair style, facial hair.

Annoys me that this seems to be more of an issue for women.  Barbara Walters interviewed Secretary Hillary Clinton and asks her about lipstick.  Really!  You have one of the most powerful people in the world sitting in front of you and you ask about lipstick.  That is shameful.  It seems we don't know what to do with women.  Should they be like men?  Should we just care about them as potential sexual partners?  (That is what the lipstick question boils down to.)

While we try to figure ourselves out, I get why women pastors might choose to wear a robe.  It also gives them more authority and power which is strangely ok in this circumstance.  Men, you have the power.  You don't need the robe.  Or maybe you do, so I don't judge you by your manner of dress.

Undecided.

I have a few thoughts circulating in my mind, so I'm going to put them down.  This post might fall in the BS category of this blog.

Either do it or don't.  I've been thinking about how thinking about an idea is fine and all, but really the doing is what matters.  So, I've been working on taking more risks, even small ones.  One of my maybe small maybe big things I want to try is to open a "Toy Library" for other parents/kids to check out toys. I'm thinking of running out of our garage.  Many steps between thought and reality, but the old fridge is getting picked up on Tuesday so that is a good start.

Be more interesting.  I waste a lot of time reading stuff online that doesn't do me any good and just makes me angry.  So, instead of just surviving and wasting time I want to DO things.  I want to have more of those kind of days that you look back and think wow, I did a lot today.   Even if it is simple stuff like I made pretzels first time or clean up a closet or write a blog post at least I'm doing and not just existing.

This house is too big.  We need to downsize.  Meanwhile lets use it all for great things like hosting people and making things and opening toy libraries.  Currently our garage holds bikes and boxes - empty boxes, and an old fridge, surely this space could be put to better use.  We need to downsize our stuff before our stuff owns us.

That's enough for now.

Heaven is for Real

I regret reading the book Heaven is for Real.  The positive thing I can say about it is that it only took about four hours to read, so I didn't waste too much time.

I started reading the book with a very open mind.  I wanted to lay back into something soft and warm and hopeful and just embrace the simple reality of it all.  So I read it and allowed myself to be moved by the story.  I've had two miscarriages, so the part of the story about the woman's unborn daughter being in heaven gave me a moment of hope and peace and a few tears.

But then I slept, and when I woke up in the morning all I could think was how I had been had.  I let this story enter me, and it is obviously a load of crap.  I felt like I let my guard down, my intellectual guard, and I had been taken for a ride.

My issue with the story is that I've been around 3 and 4 year olds, and they have wonderful imaginations.  The father said again and again that they didn't want to lead him in any direction or prompt him.  He said he believed what he had to say because his son answered so quickly and without hesitation.  I don't buy it.  Any question is prompting, especially since they kept asking and got excited about what he said.  He was simply fulfilling their wish.  Did he believe it?  The line between fantasy and reality at that age is so thin he probably did believe it.  He probably didn't even know where he collected all those bits of information.  Also, the kid is really into super heros, so it is no wonder that his trip to heaven included a battle with swords.  That is what he likes to pretend.

It is amazing that all those little bits, all those details are so accurate with a literal view of the bible.  The parents underestimate his ability to glene information from around him.  There are so many reasons not to take the book of Revelation as literal. It limits the breathe and depth of the message, but that seems like it should be addressed in a different post.

Some of his details are just wrong.  Jesus was Middle Eastern, not white.  The holes would not have been in his hand but his wrist.  So if he had actually seen Jesus, those details would have been correct.  But the information he gathered in his little mind didn't have accurate information, so neither did his "vision".

Did the kid experience something? Maybe.  He was near death, never dead.  At least we never know if he was actually dead, the family never checks with the doctor.  He may have experienced an intense feeling of being surrounded by God.  We will never know.  Accurate information from a four year old is hard to get, and now it has been drilled into him as reality for so long it is his reality, memory, accurate or not.

So I regret reading this book because I gave money to an idea, a belief system, that I believe is harmful. I also felt taken for a ride.

Barely, Passionately Christian

That is how I describe myself.

Barely - I reject much of what "mainstream" and conservative Christian believe. When people say Christian, I often don't have myself in mind.  I even stumble over using the word at times because of the images and ideas that are associated with it.

Here are a few examples: I reject hell.  Well, I think hell is real.  Many people live in hell everyday.  I believe those people have hope, so I guess that isn't true hell.  But if they don't know there is hope or at least can't imagine it, then it is hell.  The hell I reject is some sort of place of torment in the afterlife.  The afterlife is also something that I have questions about.  Not sure if I reject it, but I'm very skeptical about it.

Was Mary a virgin? I don't know and frankly that's between her and Joseph.  Why is the church so hung up on sex anyway?  I really don't want to hear about your sex life or lack there of.

The bible is an interesting book.  I think we misuse it.  Just because God said something to David doesn't mean it is also for me.  We can start to understand the nature of God through these stories, but we also need to loosen up a little.  Sometimes they are just good stories and certainly written by the winning side.  Also, if it doesn't ring true or make sense in "real life", then maybe we aren't understanding what it is talking about and need to set it aside for now.

So, here is what I do believe.  I'm very passionate about these things.

We are all created in the image of God in our own unique and wonderful way.  We are gifted and are called to use our gifts to bring about the Kingdom of God.  The Kingdom of God is when the idea of Love manifest is realized whether it is in the sharing of a meal or the helping of a friend or stranger when we experience true love and acceptance that is the Kingdom breaking in.  Each of us has the capacity to create that.  Jesus showed us the way.  Jesus even showed us that hope doesn't die with death. I don't really understand that last part, but I believe it.

There is more to be passionate about, but that is the basic.  And well, my computer battery is going to die and it certainly doesn't have an afterlife.

Power and perception

Many pastors wear a white robe during worship. It is suppose to symbolize they are servants of God and it isn't about them. But I didn't learn this until, confirmation, maybe, seminary, not sure. I had to relearn it as an adult and felt like it wasn't new information, but certainly not something I remembered. When I've done informal surveys others seem to also be in the dark on what it means or suppose to mean.

What that white robe for me symbolized and still often does, is this person is standing out as a person of power. They conduct the service and orchestrate all that happens. They say the words at communion. It might symbolize servanthood to them, but its just an illusion.

Robes are not symbols of servants in our culture. It would be more symbolic to wear jeans and a work shirt. Robes are what you wear at graduation not what you would wear if you were to really out there serving people, especially white. Can you imagine wearing one of those pastor robes while working on a farm, serving soup, mopping a floor - ridiculous.

To all my pastor friends out there - thank you for your service, but ditch the robe.

Moms get grace too

A few Sundays ago my toddler fell asleep during worship. She was out hard and laying across me, so I stayed in that position for the rest of the service. I knew we had a busy afternoon, and I knew if I woke her the nap would be over with no return later. I needed her to sleep, so I sat. People around us stood up to sing and to pray and to pass the peace, I sat there, and she slept. It was time for communion, and the very kind people in our row went the other way out the pew so not to disturb us. The usher asked if I would like communion to be brought to me. I gave a very non-committal response something like "don't worry about it, we're fine". Communion is taken to those how can't make it to the front, so this is a normal practice but usually for the elderly with walkers not a mom of a toddler who just doesn't want to move. I wasn't sure if anyone would come to us or not. I felt kinda silly. And then down the aisle it came. There was nothing left for me to do but receive.

In that moment, I realized something: moms get grace too. As I sat there "not needing help" or wanting to bother anyone because I have it under control, someone came to me with the message of love and forgiveness and a reminder that it isn't about getting it right and being it all. Sometimes I can have a break or a moment or just mess up and the world will not end because of it. I too can have a moment of grace.

Now if someone just felt inspired to clean the kitchen.

Amendment:

This post partly bothers me because it is so cliche. Oh the Gospel is for me?! Duh. But on the other hand, how much do we live like it is for us? When we are running around with our giant to do lists and apologizing for not getting something done we are not living from a place of "its going to be ok" or grace, but we are preaching grace and living works. Salvation, after all, isn't just about the future but the moment, and in this moment it isn't about your to do list or your work but about the fact that you are loved. What would it look like if you lived like that and really believed it? I certainly wouldn't feel sheepish that someone walked 50 feet to give me something because my kid was asleep. Sheepish is a feeling from the place of works not grace, of believing that I can do it all.

But I can't. And its ok.

I'm not loved by anyone because of the checks or not checks on my list.

Eat your vegetables

As a kid I didn't really like vegetables. Well, I'm not really sure what I thought. There was so much pressure and drama around eating them, that I never felt like I was left to my own to figure out what I liked or didn't. Kids don't like veggies, I was told. Eat your beans! I wish I could have just tried them without being watched or judged and with no preconceived idea about my opinion before I started.

When I see verses of the bible posted in various places, I have a similar reaction. It often feels like the poster is assuming I won't take the time to read the bible myself or that I won't like it, so here is one verse, just take a bite. If I felt they were posting because they were inspired and wanted to share I would feel less like I was being told to eat my vegetables, but that is rarely what it feels like. I rarely read them, just like I didn't eat many vegetables when I was a kid.

I also never click "like" on those posts that tell me I won't "have a heart" if I don't or "if I really was a Christian" or whatever the line is to try to guilt me into sharing or liking. Give me a break. Stop trying to guilt my faith. Those posts are not useful to sharing the Gospel. They are about who's in, really in, and who isn't. The Gospel is about everyone deserving Grace.

The bible is a crazy book full of wonder and power and grace. I feel inspired reading and studying it. I also really like vegetables now that there is no pressure involved. And I will "share" my faith when it matters and not when pressured by bored people online.

Positive Discipline meets postive religion

I've been reading parenting books quit a bit lately. Reading more than I need to about a subject is how I approach life. So, several articles, books, blog posts, etc later I think I have a parenting philosophy that I can get behind for a week or two. Yeah, yeah, my own kid will teach me more than reading will. I get that, and I even follow that in lots of ways. I just like research and investigating. I also know about most of the school choices out there and we don't need to make that choice for years. This is entertainment for me.

Anyway, before I get too sidetracked by justifying my strange hobby, I should get to the point of this post. One camp in the child rearing world says that you should love your child and provide good examples to live by and then let them be. Don't punish. Don't coerce. Don't manipulate with rewards, praise or punishment. When they see you acting a certain way they will learn that is how it is done. It will take time. Your 8 year old won't have the manners an adult has, but they will be acting genuine and not just repeating words. (someone call me out if I ever say "say the magic word" without irony)

As I was reading the book I couldn't help but think this is how our relationship with God is. Life punishes us for not acting a certain way, but God just loves us. We are called to respond to that love by loving others but God's love comes first. It is a Because, therefore relationship not an If, then relationship. Because God loves us, therefore we live out our lives by loving others. Not if we do the right thing, believe the right thing, say the right thing, then God will love us or save us.
You might be able to tell I'm not into decision theology.

So whatever parenting ideas I'm reading, I will always be loving my daughter first. That much I don't need to read a book about.

Hope you always feel loved, Sweatpea.

Stuff the Pinto

When I was a camp counselor we had 50's night. We played various 50's themed games, one of which was stuff the Pinto. Ok, I know there wasn't Pinto's in the 50s, but it was the smallest car at camp. It was also my car.

I like my Mini much better than my Pinto. Maybe I just feel cooler driving it.

I miss being able to put all my stuff into the Pinto. I loaded that thing up, and off to school or camp I went. Everything fit. No one could ride with me, but I could still see out.

There is no way I could fit all my stuff into the Mini. Even if you disregard all the furniture.

I'm finding it difficult to figure out what to let go of.

Am I the rich man who wasn't willing to sell all his stuff and follow Jesus?

Sorting throught the stuff

I am almost done going through the boxes. We moved into this house over a year ago, but I was pregnant at the time and certain boxes never got dealt with. Only a few items left and it will all be sorted: keep, give-away, trash, sell. Very little trash and only some to give away, but it feels good to have things in place. When all of the boxes are done, then it will be time to start posting on craigslist the items that may be worth selling. I plan on going through most of the house and selling off what we don't need. This little bit of cash will be set aside for the new roof which will be one step closer to travel - the real goal.

Travel itself isn't really the goal, but travel leads to exploring and learning and meeting new people and changing ideas and having new experiences and those are the real goals. I have been thinking about what my life goals are and thinking about what my goals are as a parent.

My parent goal is simple: help my daughter discover who God created her to be and help her become the best Herself she can be. Yep, simple. Theirs other goals my husband and I have talked about as well like help her develop critical thinking and creativity and a sense of adventure.

I have the same goals for my own life, so I purge my stuff. I'm trying to free myself from all the stuff and help me re-prioritize my life. I'm hoping I will purge my mind at the same time and become more focused.

Stuff

I was listening to Rick Steves today on NPR. Great inspiration for travel. I mentioned I wanted to do some traveling to my husband and he said I didn't want it bad enough. First I was offended. What! That is one of my favorite things. Then I took a moment and thought about it and realized he was right. I could be doing things to make it more possible for us to travel.

The first thing I thought of was to pare down our stuff. Ok, may not seem directly related, but I think it is. I'm living in a house that is too big for our current needs, and filling it with stuff. I think we need to pare down the stuff and think more about what we need for the life we want to live.

I think I'm going to start by selling and giving away a good portion of my books. I really enjoyed many of them, but there is no reason to keep them for that sometime in the future when I want to read them again. That is what the library is for. And if I want to share these great stories with my daughter, again, the library. This won't make a ton of money, but every little bit helps and it may lead to something else. Meanwhile I'll be reducing clutter from my life.

Santa #2

Ok, I totally intended to have a bunch of posts on Santa, but I failed. Now it is the New Year and I'm feeling less like talking about Santa. My husband and I are still negotiating what we will do for our daughter. She just had her first Christmas, but at 7months she is too young to really understand that she got lots of stuff. So, I'm letting go of my Santa issues for now. He's a little creepy, but also a little fun.

Merry Christmas

Reason 1 Santa bothers me

This is intended to be the first of a series about that annoying fat elf that isn't really jolly he's actually a little crazy. Seriously, who laughs like that? Maybe it's all the cookies.

We confuse kids and ourselves with saying this is a season of giving when we treat it as a season of getting. We have them makes lists and write letters for all the stuff they want. We are focusing on what they are going to get. Then, maybe, give them just a little money or some craft supplies to make a few gifts. It is almost an after thought. The season is really about what they are going to get from Santa if they are good enough that is.

If you want it to be a season of giving focus on the giving not the getting. Make a list of who you are giving gifts to. Brainstorm together what special thing someone might like. Help them think about people who may need a little extra who may not have much at all. Refocus your list to reflect your values.

I guess if you value debt and stuff, then by all means make a long list for Santa.

Happy Advent

Bored

Do you ever get bored with the bible?I I know we aren't suppose to say it, but sometimes I find the bible rather dull. The thing that gets me is I know it isn't suppose to be dull. I know these stories are interesting and exciting. Perhaps it is they way they are presented. Reading the Psalms responsively is not how to bring alive these works of powerful poetry. I can rarely pay attention to any of the readings at church. Perhaps we should bring in a forensics coach to teach people how to read. How can I make those stories come alive again?